She's JV to your varsity
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
