They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
