Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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