I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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