It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
