well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I need to stop coming to work sober
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
