turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize