I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
