Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
