So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
Someone shattered a urinal.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.