Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?