I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.