dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS