So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
only you would photoshop your dick
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random