Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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