The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
