you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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