I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Randomize
