Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
