im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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