I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
