I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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