hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
