Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
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This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
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After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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