My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security