I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
