Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
