So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
