can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He better not be in your backpack
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
