I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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