Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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