found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
