What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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