I looked at my own cervix.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
