I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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