I want to have your abortion
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
