dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
