I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Someone shattered a urinal.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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