Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
