My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
