The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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