I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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