you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
