If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
