you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
