This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
