$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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