My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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