Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
