You really coming over, don't trick.
yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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