i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
