I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
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