There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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