Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.