...so i touched it.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
