So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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