What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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