Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
