I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize