I'm eating all of the evidence.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
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I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
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you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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