Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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