idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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