Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Let's get the cat blown out
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
