no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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