this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
