he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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