my phone needs a breathalizer
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
