Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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