Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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