I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
