Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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